It’s been a week since the election, and I have some thoughts and feelings to share with you about it all. Yes, I will talk some about my more painful emotions (and I have plenty of them!) but this post is intended to be about connection, and sharing help and hope. No outrage mining here!

Full disclaimer, my Facebook friends have already heard parts of this from me, but since you aren’t all on Facebook, I’m sharing it all here, plus a few more thoughts now that a few days have passsed since we got the election results.

Yes, I’m angry. I’m also sad, and disappointed, and afraid of the future, afraid my marriage will be somehow made illegal, afraid for my daughters and my grandchildren. I have moments where it seems these feelings are going to knock me down. I have moments where I’d like to just give up and go to bed. Like … permanently. I’m so unbelievably grateful for my therapist, who helps me to pick my way along that fine line between drowning in my emotions and completely dissociating from them. I don’t have the balance totally figured out. I’m working on it. It’s a long process isn’t it?

One thing that helps me navigate the balance is taking walks almost every morning. During those walks I don’t give myself the distractions of music or audiobooks. Instead I let myself have all my thoughts and feelings, letting them all swirl and wander as I walk and look at nice trees and shrubs and busy squirrels. Then when I get home I rest my body, have a snack, and rest my brain by enjoying a pleasant distraction like a YouTube video or an on line puzzle. After a walk and a rest, it’s easier for me to let the thoughts and feelings come and go as they will throughout the remainder of the day. There are still plenty of ups and downs – and probably more downs than ups right now – but over all it’s working better for me than wallowing in despair OR completely checking out. 

Also, there are a few thoughts I keep coming back to. The most important one, to me, is that I know it’s anger, fear, and hatred that brought us here. People voted the way they voted – or didn’t vote at all – out of a pre-existing condition of fear and anger, which were whipped into a frenzy by manipulative public speaking and social media posts. And while I do feel anger and fear and yes, sometimes, a degree of hatred I’m not proud of – it occurs to me that we can’t change the state we’re in with an abundance of the same energies that got us here. Setting aside what is fair and not fair – because we know none of this is fair anyway – my own personal goal is to not let my own uncomfortable feelings lead me to pouring more rage out into the world. I still feel my anger. I still express it to my loved ones when I need to. If all you have is rage, I’m not in any way judging you or saying you shouldn’t have it or express it. I’m just trying to make choices that protect my peace, conserve my energy, and give me space to figure out what I can do differently from the people coming into power.

Related to that is this: and bear with me, we have to get to this thought in a somewhat circuitious manner 

Recently I was talking to my therapist about intrusive thoughts – you know the ones, the harsh and hateful ones that come from the voices of other people, aimed at us from our childhood, saying we aren’t good enough/productive enough/useful enough/whatever enough. And my therapist reminded me: The second you start arguing with those voices, they’ve already won. And I said: so what? I just let them be mean to me? 

And she asked me – who would you say you are? Beyond anything you do, beyond how clean your house is or how much money you make (or don’t make) – what would you say you are about?

Your answer to this question will be different from mine. But me? I’m a creative person, an artist and writer. I’m an animist, which means I find deep connection to all the beings around me, to beings who are other than human but still alive, still sentient, still deeply valuable. And I’m someone who sees the world differently from more “normal” people (whoever THEY are). And after I managed to stammer these things out, she pounced. She told me that’s where I have to put my attention. That’s what I have to lean into when the cruel voices rise up from the past, telling me I’m not enough.

And the morning after the election, as I took a walk in almost unbearably beautiful November sunlight, with yellow leaves lazily drifting to the ground around me, it came to me that tthe same principle applies to our current situation. This is my way forward through this awful moment, and the hard moments that lie ahead of us: to remember that who and what I am can be the opposite of the hate, greed, and injustice swirling through our country. And that as the days unfold, I need to be what I am harder than ever. 

I’m not a warrior, an activist, or a person with a wide sphere of influence. I can only do what I’ve always done: love who I can. Care for what I can. Make whatever beauty and delight I can make. It’s all I’ve got to offer the world, so I’ll offer it with all my heart and hope somehow it makes even the tiniest difference for even one other person. And even if it doesn’t, I’ll be able to look at my face in the mirror every morning and know I did my best.

But also, I gave myself a week to eat junk food and cry a lot. Because this stuff is hard and we all deserve a little grace while we come to terms with what we can’t change.

Finally, I’m leaning ever harder into creative work. My thoughts and feelings as I stitch this week are anything but tranquil. But when I’m anxious and upset, I find the process of stitching to be soothing and grounding, as so many creative pursuits are. You wouldn’t think pushing a threaded needle through fabric could possibly be such a lifeline when the world feels hostile and frightening, but it is. And it isn’t because it’s a distraction, though it does help me move away from my awful circular anxiety thoughts. No, it’s something more than that, some magic in the creative process that heals us as we create in a way nothing else does.

And isn’t art almost always infinitely more than the sum of its parts, something more alive and potent than the materials used to create it? It doesn’t matter, even, if the art is museum quality or grandma’s refrigerator quality: the process of applying our attention to combine materials into something new calls a kind of living spirit into the created piece, birthing a new being who carries a bit of our love into the world. The materials don’t matter, and the skill doesn’t matter, it’s the act of creation that matters, and it can help put us back together when we’re broken.

So I’m stitching simple things this week: little felt ornaments for a holiday tree, tiny seed stitches on old linen, listening to the cloth, the threads, the objects I bring into my pieces, and letting that conversation comfort me and give me back to myself.

And in between I connect with other good-hearted, creative humans, admire their work and share encouragement and compliments, and that is also a healing balm: the kindness and mutual support of community, even online community, is the exact kind of thing the world needs right now.

A bit of old cloth and new thread (or paper and ink, or canvas and paint, etc.) may seem like fragile things to wield against the troubles of the world, but a candle flame is a fragile thing too, and think how it can chase away the deepest dark. 

So these are the things I’m clinging to as I ponder the days to come. If you have something to share that’s inspiring you or helping you process your feelings and get through the day, please share it in the comments. We’re going to need each other to get through this.

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