I don’t even know how to write this post. My thoughts on this topic are so scattered, but at the same time, it feels so important to share them with anyone who might be going through the same things I’m going through. So I’m just going to fumble through this, hoping anyone who needs to will understand what I’m saying.

It hurts to be a feeling human right now. It hurts to have compassion, to love others, to believe in basic decency. It would be so much easier, I sometimes think, to just not feel so much.

But I know from experience what comes from avoiding my uncomfortable feelings. It leads to years of deep depression, erodes my physical health, and kills my creativity. You can’t numb one emotion without numbing all of them: including joy. 

And I firmly believe the monsters who are calling the shots right now want us to kill our own joy, want us so depressed and shut down that we’re easy to manipulate, easy to trample. My defiant little heart says hell no. 

So let’s start with anger. I grew up in an abusive family: our house was saturated in barely suppressed rage that erupted at unpredictable moments, sometimes in physical violence, other times in emotional cruelty. I witnessed, again and again, the damage angry people can do, and learned to fear anger above anything else. Which meant I also feared my own anger, feared what I might do if I let myself feel it fully. I believed anger is the monster. It’s hard to unlearn that. After years of therapy, I’m just starting to be able to allow myself to feel anger instead of avoiding it. I certainly don’t know what to DO with my anger yet. And the anger of others still frightens me a great deal. 

But anger itself is, like all emotions, morally neutral. Anger is an emotion, not an action. There is healthy anger, healthy rage, the kind that tells us something is wrong. That tells us we need to say no, we need to walk away, or we need to take action. What is happening in this country is wrong. It fills me with rage. And that is more than valid.

Anger at the horrific violence perpetrated by the current regime is appropriate anger. Feeling anger is a sign that our emotions are still functioning, that we are still fully alive. Anyone who isn’t angry on some level is probably not someone I want to know.

It takes courage to feel our anger. I’m trying to have that courage.

Right alongside that anger is sorrow. I don’t need to dig into all the ways we’re hurting right now, or list all the losses we are grieving. I avoid doom scrolling and political analysis, but I still see the headlines and know how much goodness is being destroyed by this regime. It hurts so much sometimes I lose my breath. 

But sorrow at the horrors we witness daily is appropriate sorrow. Feeling sorrow is a sign that our emotions are still functioning,  that we are still fully alive. Anyone who isn’t feeling sorrow is probably not someone I want to know.

It takes courage to feel our sorrow. I’m trying to have that courage.

And yes, I’m afraid. I’m a queer, disabled woman who practices a polytheistic religion. I have loved ones and neighbors who are trans, who are neurodivergent, who are people of color, who are disabled, who are poor. I live in the suburbs of Portland, Oregon where we are literally being murdered for living in a blue state, for practicing basic human decency. I’m terrified. I’ve always suffered from intense anxiety, and though years of therapy have helped the anxiety, I still don’t really like leaving my house right now. I do what I need to do, but otherwise? I’m staying home, thanks.

And yes. The fear we feel is appropriate fear. It’s a sign that our emotions are functioning, that we’re still fully alive. Anyone who isn’t afraid right now probably isn’t someone I want to know.

It takes courage to feel our fear. I’m trying to have that courage.

But this isn’t the end of the story.

Because joy? Joy matters right now too. And yes, I know how hard it is to feel joy right now. If we know what’s happening in the world, it might even seem wrong to feel joy, like having any modicum of a joy in our hearts means we don’t care, or we’re in denial. I’d venture to say anyone who is ONLY joyful right  now is probably either a monster, or completely unaware of the horrors. 

But joy has a place in the midst of all the other painful emotions we’re experiencing now. It’s just that joy is complicated at present, and sometimes elusive. If we want to feel joy, we have to work at it. And who has enough energy to work at one more thing? 

And if you cant’ feel any joy right now? I don’t blame you. And it’s definitely not your fault. And I hope you have someone to lean on, someone to turn to for support and comfort.

I do have moments of joy in the midst of the horrors, and every time I feel that lift in my spirits, however briefly, I’m so grateful. I had a few years where I couldn’t seem to feel a single spark of joy from anything. As I’ve allowed myself to feel my painful emotions, my pleasant emotions are beginning to wake up. Yes even now, as my painful emotions are activated on an daily basis.

The joys are often humble. A really good cup of tea. Watching the sunrise. Listening to my favorite music. Reading a good book. Taking a walk and touching my favorite trees. The sound of rain on the roof, of wind in the Douglas firs. Morning fog, laughing with my wife, watching a good movie. Cat videos on the internet. And, most importantly, the joy of inspiration and creativity, of finding beauty in the simplest things and emphasizing that beauty with art. It’s one of the main reasons I get out of bed every morning. (That, and I always wake up hungry.)

If you can experience even the tiniest trickle of joy, cling to it. Don’t let the monsters devour your joy. Don’t let the headlines kill your joy. Do whatever you can to keep that joy alive, and if you have the energy, to search for more joy. Let tiny things delight you. Feed youself a steady diet of whimsy and beauty alongside all the bad news and ugliness. 

Feeling joy takes courage. I’m trying to have that courage.

I, personally, want to survive this regime with my heart and my humanity fully intact. Some day I want to look back and say “wow that sucked, but we got through it, and the monsters didn’t destroy us.” 

Obviously I don’t know what the future holds, but I hope I can be brave enough to keep my heart and spirit fully alive thorugh all of it. I hope you can too.

Now … having said all that? I also think we all need to step away sometimes. I think it’s healthy to sometimes lose ourselves in escapist stories, or games, or silly cat videos. Being fully present and in touch with our emotions doesn’t mean we can’t ever rest from the intensity of it all. Our emotions need rest as much as our bodies do. So if you tend to be overwhelmed by your feelings instead of numbing them … it’s okay to escape sometimes. It’s okay to spend an entire day reading a novel because you can’t deal with it all right now. It’s okay to decide that, just for today, you aren’t going to TRY. It’s okay to decide to rot on the sofa sometimes.. You don’t have to be superhuman. Just do what you have to do to survive, and try not to berate yourself if you aren’t “productive” or even “functional”. You matter: take care of yourself the best you can, and know that whatever that looks like is enough. There are days when just existing takes courage, and you deserve to be proud of yourself for continuing to exist when everything is hard. Please be nice to yourself.

(Hand stitched heart is made from unbleached muslin printed with rusty nails and black tea, tea-dyed silk, and cotton embroidery floss. Stuffed with fabric bits and thread ends I saved from all my projects. It was inspired by a project shared on YouTube by Kathryn Chambers in 2024, which was in turn inspired by the beautiful art of Kintsugi. I highly recommend Kathryn’s channel for inspiration and accessible learning about slow stitching.)

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